Someone Needs to Think of the Children…Seriously!
By Heather Faucher | Posted on June 3, 2009 | Filed Under Divorce
When it comes to divorce, it’s all too easy to focus only on your own needs and desires without considering the ones who should be most important–your children. Too true that staying in a bad marriage will have a negative effect on kids, but pulling vicious stunts simply to stick it to your soon-to-be ex will definitely hurt them far more. It’s hard to stay courteous when going through a bitter divorce. But, for your children’s sake, you should make a serious effort.
Steps to help make the process easier on your children:
1. Show and tell. It’s crucial that you tell your children how much you love them through words–and then follow up by showing that love with your actions.
2. The Blame Game. Do not play the blame game by bad-mouthing your ex to your children, even if they are 100% at fault. You also need to reassure your children that the divorce is not their fault in any way. Repeatedly. Often kids blame themselves for their parents breaking up and need extra reassurance.
3. All They Need is Love. Okay, maybe not literally, but it’s a vital element of dealing with the divorce process. Not only do they need to know that you still love them, they also need to know that it’s okay for them to keep on loving both parents and that they do not have to choose one over the other. This can be especially tough to handle when the marriage has ended due to infidelity, but remember–this is not about what’s best for you. It’s about your children. They need both Mom and Dad in their lives, and what’s between Mom and Dad needs to stay just that. Between Mom and Dad. If your ex is doing something you don’t approve of, find a mutually agreeable time to sit down and discuss things–calmly and rationally.
4. Don’t Sabotage. Do not–either actively or overtly–sabotage your children’s relationship with their other parent, or any new significant others in your ex’s lives. You do have the right to be concerned about people who will be spending lots of time interacting with your children. You don’t have the right to make everyone miserable due to jealousy or your own inability to deal with your ex moving on. If you can’t handle things on your own, please seek out a qualified therapist who can help.
5. Discipline. It’s important that both parents continue working as a team when it comes to discipline. Of course that’s going to be hard considering that you’re now keeping two separate households, but it’s important to be as consistent as possible, even after divorce. Children absolutely need structure and limits in their lives, especially when going through rough times.
6. Double-Oh-No. Do not set your children against your ex as messengers or spies. You need to take the initiative to communicate clearly and politely with your ex. First of all, it’s not your children’s responsibility to play double oh seven. Secondly, just think about how much children try to play their parents off each other when they’re happily married. Now multiply that by ten after their parents are divorced. Much as you love your children, you can’t expect them to behave as maturely as adults. Chances are they’re going to try and exploit the situation at least once by exaggerating or mis-stating something your ex has said or done. Get all the facts before you flip out.
7. Can’t Buy Me Love. Don’t try and buy your children’s affection, or out “cool” the other parent. What your children value most, whether they’ll admit it or not, is quality time spent with you. While there’s nothing wrong with treating them to a fantastic time out on occasion, you shouldn’t be trying to outdo your ex or assuage your own feelings of guilt by what amounts to little more than bribery. Besides, you don’t want to create monsters out of your kid. That will bite you in the rear down the road!
8. Gotta Laugh or You’ll Cry. Hard as it is, try to keep your sense of humor. Don’t always assume the worst of your ex. Really try and keep a friendly relationship, even if he or she has done some unforgivable things to you. Your children are your most precious treasure and they need both Mom and Dad in their lives. Since you’re going to be tied to your ex for the rest of your life, you might as well keep your sense of humor about things. It’s better to laugh than cry!
If you’re considering divorce or your spouse has already filed for divorce, you should find an experienced attorney who won’t let you get walked all over–but who also won’t make things more contentious. After all, someone needs to think of the children!
About this Post
Tags: children and divorce, dealing with divorce, Divorce
Permalink | Trackback |
|
Print This Article | Leave a Comment
Comments
Leave a Reply
The opinions and information on this blog are not intended as legal advice. They are for informational and entertainment purposes only, and should not be construed as legal advice on any subject matter. Click here for the full disclaimer.
Other Resources
