You just wish you thought of it

By michelle | Posted on April 13, 2009 | Filed Under Crime 

This is one of the most creative defenses I’ve heard of a criminal defendant claiming in… well, ever.

Not the old, “It wasn’t me, it was him.”  Or, “She made me do it.”  Or, “I didn’t know it was wrong.”  Or the ”I was unaware/asleep/drugged up/I was in a fugue/I’m just plain ol’ crazy” defense.

Nope, how about, “Oly oly oxen free, you can’t get me because I’m my own country”?  (Rhymed, even.)

Someone wikipedia’d jurisdiction my friends!  Before you run off and do it yourself, jurisdiction basically means that a judge in New York can’t arraign you for something you (allegedly) did in Oklahoma.  The state of New York wouldn’t have jurisdiction over you.

Scott Witmer was accused of drunk driving in a town called Northampton in Pennsylvania.  He did not claim that the incident occurred in a different town – at least – not exactly.  He claimed that he was his own sovereign.  Kind of like Texas, except on legs.  And that, therefore, Northampton had no jurisdiction over him. 

The plan backfired slightly when, upon hearing of the defense, the judge decided to set his bond even higher and have him tested for drug, alcohol and a psychological exam.  (Can’t fault the judge for that.)

Although the details of Scott’s situation with legal representation is unclear, his attorney was referred to by reports as his “stand by” counsel.  (Sfgate.com; lehighvalleylive.com)  I have a feeling that Scott came up with this one on his own (maybe with a little help from wikipedia).  I guess that comes from the fact that it’s not an altogether helpful defense, but perhaps it does raise potential issues for appeal (such as mental incompetency), hence the judge-ordered mental exam. 

What do you all think?  Scott’s idea or not?

Assault with a deadly…sandwich?

By michelle | Posted on March 19, 2009 | Filed Under Crime 

Maybe I should make it a goal to write about McDonald’s legal quagmires once a week.  Goodness knows it won’t be hard.

This time, McDonald’s hasn’t gotten sued.  They are actually on the plaintiff’s side!  (For now!)  They are going to have to hire some new lawyers, or they might end up getting confused and paying the defendant.

A man in Peoria Illinois (perhaps related to Ms. McNugget) went to McDonald’s and they got his order wrong.  Can you imagine the outrage?  If not, picture this: It’s 5:20 a.m. on Saturday and all you want is a McGriddle with an egg in it and there is no egg, the cashier says she’ll fix it, the car behind you honks, and the only reasonable thing left to do is throw your McDonald’s hot (that’s really hot) sandwich at the cashier right smack-dab in the face.

The cashier was luckily not injured enough to seek medical attention.  The Smoking Gun indicates that the alleged assailant is still at large.  The assailant is a regular at this McDonald’s, and took off after throwing the sandwich.  The police indicated the victim to report it if the alleged assailant “comes back to assault her again with breakfast food.”  That is a direct quote written even in the police report.

Great advice.

Which is better?

By michelle | Posted on March 17, 2009 | Filed Under Crime 

There are some moments in life where you have to make quick, life-changing decisions.

Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi?

Speed up and get through the yellow light or stop?

Curse at the judge or just give a gesture?

An Ohio man faced the decision about whether to skip out on court or not.  John Spinnie had an arraignment scheduled in an Ohio county court regarding a charge of receiving stolen property (specifically, jewelry) worth $1800.  (Credit: Cincinnati Enquirer) Apparently John did not have any transportation to get to court, and did some quick math.

Steal a car or skip court?

John took the blue pill, and stole a car.  Allegedly.  You know how when you make those quick decisions you regret it for the rest of the day?  ”Why did I order roast beef?  What I really wanted was turkey.”  That’s probably how John feels.

I suppose the irony of his choice also escaped him at the time – to steal a vehicle to appear on a case involving stealing.  So how’d he get caught?  Sitting in front of the courthouse.  (Unknown what the probable cause was for approaching the vehicle.)  Probably doing another thing that was rather stupid.  He maintained that he had paid a man $10 to use the vehicle.  The trouble was, he couldn’t remember the name of the man or explain how he was going to get the vehicle back to him (I don’t know that but I am just imagining).

I happen to know that John is not the first guy to steal in order to get to court or pay his lawyer for a criminal trial.  I won’t tell that story today – maybe if I get the go-ahead first – but sometimes there is no helping people.

This is rich.

By michelle | Posted on March 10, 2009 | Filed Under Crime 

Really rich.  I have never been to jail, so I don’t know how you go about getting things from the outside, but it’s not that hard, right?  You just be good to Mama and Mama’s good to you.  (You win trials with razzle dazzle.)

Well, a jail in Georgia has no Mama, and also a smoke-free policy that has sent nicotine cravings into overdrive.

Harry Jackson is an inmate in Camden County, Georgia, being held for a sentence for forgery, identity fraud, possession of cocaine with intent to sell, obstruction of an officer and traffic violations (one source indicated he may also be in for probation violations) (See jacksonville.com)

Harry got out!  Hallelujah!  Ding dong the witch is dead!  Woooooooo!

First thing on the agenda: steal cigs from a convenience store near the jail.  A lot of cigs.  Dozens of packs.  Check.

Second thing on the agenda: sneak back into jail.  Che – wait.

Oh Harry.  Our hero got nabbed on his way back in.  His defense?  His jailmates told him to do it and threatened him.  You would think a guy with a history with criminal law would have a better idea of what actually constitutes a defense.  I used to make the same defense in grade school.  Right before, “Mom, he’s touching me!”  But let’s face it, there really aren’t many defenses to stealing dozens of cigarette packs and escaping from jail.  Now he is facing new escape and burglary charges.  Sadly, before his escape, I can’t imagine he was going to have to be in jail that long anyway – the charges were all ostensibly nonviolent.

But is that really the worst part of all this?  I could say something about how for some people the jail is more of a home than the streets.  Or how pathetic it is that no one figured out how to smuggle the cigarettes in.  But what was really sad, I think, was that Harry didn’t even get to smoke his cigarette.  Blast.

Wednesday Winners

By michelle | Posted on February 11, 2009 | Filed Under Crime 

A dumb criminal story too good not to share, just for my readers.

Alejandro Melendez, of Cleveland, called 911 and told the dispatcher that two men with guns were watching him.  Alejandro hung up, and the dispatcher called back.  Alejandro answered, asked the dispatcher to hold on, and completed a drug deal, which the dispatcher heard.  He said, “A voice can be heard on the recording of the call saying: “What you need? A 10-pack? You need a 10-pack? All right.”  (Source: Huffington Post)  The dispatcher informed police officers that he was making a drug deal.

Apparently a ”10-pack” is slang for a bundle of heroin.  I would probably have told the police officers that the guy might be in danger and that he was selling two-can deficient packs of beverages.  You learn something new everyday.

In another story where I learned more vernacular, a man robbed a butcher store of a frozen chook.  A chook, apparently, is a  chicken in Australian slang.  Then, in his second exploit of the day, he attempted to use the frozen chicken to break into a cafe’s window.  Maybe he was going to run off with a coffee mug so that he could use that to break into a bank?  Anyway, the robber’s third stop was not another robbery but a trip to the hospital for a sprained wrist from using the chicken to break into the cafe.  (Source: thewest.com.au)  What I did not learn from this story, is why the guy didn’t just say he hurt his wrist … fixing the sink, or from a fall?

Why don’t we have slang for chicken?  I guess we have slang for young chickens – chicks, chickies.   Someone needs to get on this.

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